28 Teams, Zero Snaps

Welcome back, transfer portal stalkers, heat stroke survivors, and QB battle doomsayers.

Training camp is the greatest theater in sports. Coaches turn clichés into performance art. Beat writers lose their minds over third-string reps. And fanbases cling to hope that a true freshman wideout is “uncoverable” in shorts and shells. The reality? By mid-September, half of those headlines will age like milk.

This newsletter is for the degenerates who track which walk-ons got extra special teams work, the fans who take a single 7-on-7 highlight as gospel, and anyone who can’t stop rage-laughing when a coach says the backup QB “just needs more consistency.”

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📰 HEADLINES: Where Logic Goes to Die

Bama Backfield Hits the Panic Button
Alabama RB Jam Miller will miss the opener vs. Florida State, thinning out a backfield that’s already shifting post-Saban. Justice Haynes just became the workhorse, and Kalen DeBoer’s Week Zero script got a lot simpler: survive.
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Big Ten Wants a 28-Team Playoff Because Why Not
The league is floating a proposal to blow up the postseason with a 24- or even 28-team College Football Playoff, eliminating conference title games and handing out automatic bids like candy. Translation: money grab first, competitive balance somewhere down the list.
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SMU Coach Goes Full Conspiracy Theory
The SMU head coach blasted ESPN’s preseason poll, claiming systemic bias against his program. The Mustangs already logged a season in the ACC, so this isn’t a “new kid on the block” gripe—it’s a coach swinging at the narrative ceiling before a snap is played.
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Michigan’s “KGB” Era Won’t Die Quietly
Card Chronicle nukes the Wolverines with satire, mocking the still-festering sign-stealing scandal and Michigan’s “dead man walking” coaching limbo. NCAA fines, suspensions, and yet somehow no one knows who was actually holding the spyglass.
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🤯Fourth & Delusional

“We feel great about our quarterback room.” — FSU OC Alex Atkins

Let’s be real. If you’re saying this in August, you don’t.

Florida State’s quarterback room currently features a turnover-prone DJ Uiagalelei and a true freshman (Luke Kromenhoek) who’s outplaying him in every scrimmage. And yet, the staff is trotting out the same cliché-laden vote of confidence that every fan base has learned to fear.

"Feeling great" doesn’t mean your guy's throwing red-zone picks and the other guy is heating up Twitter clips like it’s a highlight mixtape. This is not a two-QB system. It’s a slow-motion car crash where the guy with training wheels might be the only one steering straight.

DJ was supposed to be the redemption story. Instead, FSU might be one quarter away from a full-blown freshman takeover—in Ireland, no less.

Sláinte to the delusion.

🎯 THIS ONE’S PERSONAL: Iowa State vs. Kansas State (Week Zero, Dublin)

Two Big 12 contenders. One plane ticket to pain.

Let’s set the stage: it’s the Aer Lingus College Football Classic in Dublin, and the Irish are about to witness what happens when two Midwestern fanbases swap Busch Light for Guinness.

Kansas State enters with playoff aspirations, a punishing offensive line, and a defense that doesn’t blink. Meanwhile, Iowa State has quietly loaded up, returning J.J. Kohl at QB and a defense that led the Big 12 in total yards allowed last season. This isn’t a novelty trip. It’s a tone-setter.

For Iowa State, this is a chance to prove last year’s 9–4 finish wasn’t a fluke. For K-State? Anything less than a win, and Chris Klieman starts the season one step behind in a loaded Big 12. And don’t forget: this is a conference game. In Week Zero. In Ireland. Sanity optional.

The real winner? Whoever brought the cleats that work on slick Aviva Stadium turf. The loser? Probably the team that parties too hard on Grafton Street the night before.

💸 THE SPREAD OPTION

Idaho State at UNLV (-24.5) | O/U: 54
📍 Allegiant Stadium, Las Vegas | 🗓️ Saturday, August 23

This isn’t your standard FBS vs. FCS paycheck game. Well, okay, it is, but with a twist. UNLV has quietly built itself into a Mountain West contender, winning nine games last season and actually looking competent in the desert. Idaho State, meanwhile, went 1–10 last year and brings a defense that ranked 120th in FCS scoring defense. Not great.

UNLV’s speed is going to be the problem here. QB Jayden Maiava should carve up the Bengals’ secondary like a Vegas buffet carving station. Expect a steady diet of explosive plays, and don’t be shocked if the Rebels cover by halftime.

The only drama? Whether UNLV actually keeps the starters in long enough to push this total Over.

The Pick: UNLV -24.5
Sometimes the simplest bet is the right one. Idaho State’s roster is outclassed at every level, and Allegiant Stadium will feel like a practice scrimmage for UNLV. Lay the points, sip the cocktail, and watch the scoreboard light up.

📊 WHAT EVEN IS THIS STAT?

Nebraska 44, Penn State 6 — Week 0’s Grand Opening Act (1983)

The very first Week 0 game ever played wasn’t some sleepy warm-up or FCS paycheck. It was No. 1 Nebraska vs. No. 4 Penn State in the Kickoff Classic at Giants Stadium. And it wasn’t close. The Huskers dropped 44 points on JoePa’s Nittany Lions and turned a top-five showdown into a track meet.

Forty-plus years later, Week 0 is usually reserved for tune-ups and travel gimmicks. But the stat that launched the concept? A 38-point curb-stomp between national title contenders. Imagine ESPN trying to sell you that today.

That’s it for this week’s edition of “why is August already talking like it’s December?”

Until then, remember: punting is for cowards.

— The Convert on Fourth Down Team

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