Built Different. Defending Nothing.

Welcome back, film grinders, Twitter trolls, and alumni still mad about a 2009 holding call.

If college football had a preseason earnings report, it would just be a coach in mirrored sunglasses saying “we like our room” while losing five starters to the portal. We’ve got QBs playing their seventh year, teams unveiling $130 million locker rooms, and coaches pretending replacing four linemen is no big deal. Reality is melting, and we love it.

This newsletter is for the ones debating WR2 snap counts in group chats, the sickos ranking walk-on kickers by vibes, and anyone who’s already circled that revenge game in Week 4.

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📰 Two-Minute Drill

Florida State Opens Camp with Gus Malzahn & Hype in Tow
New OC Gus Malzahn brings tempo and trickery to Tallahassee as FSU preps for a Week 1 clash with Alabama. Tommy Castellanos is QB1 until further notice. And yes, the vibes are insanely optimistic.
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Houston Drops $130 Million on Locker Room Flex
The Cougars just unveiled a spaceship-looking operations center to prove they belong in the Big 12. “State of the art” doesn’t do it justice. It has more LED than an EDM festival and probably better Wi-Fi than your apartment.
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Deion Sanders Reveals Cancer Battle, Still Plans to Coach
Coach Prime says he was diagnosed with bladder cancer, but he’s in remission and won’t miss a game. Somehow, he made a medical crisis sound like a motivational Instagram reel. Respect.
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UConn QB Joe Fagnano Is Back… Again
In what feels like a glitch in the eligibility matrix, Fagnano will play his seventh season of college football. He might be older than his position coach. But hey, he did win the Fenway Bowl.
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NIL + Transfer Drama Has Coaches Sweating Retention
Arkansas and UNC are the latest programs to openly admit they can’t keep their rosters together. Blame the portal, blame NIL, blame vibes, just don’t blame the boosters writing checks with emoji in the memo line.
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🐂💩 Fourth & Delusional

Texas Thinks Replacing Four OL Starters Is NBD

Texas coaches are confidently telling reporters that replacing four offensive line starters won't result in a drop-off. That’s adorable. This is the same program that needed a congressional vote and divine intervention to find consistency up front just two years ago. But sure, plug-and-play works great when you’re not facing SEC defensive linemen bred in a swamp lab. Unless Justus Terry is cloning himself mid-drive, there will be drop-off, and probably a few drive-killing holding calls to go with it. You don’t lose that many starts and walk into Baton Rouge like nothing happened. This level of offseason denial should be studied in sports psych classes.

⚔️ This One Is Personal

Alabama @ Florida State

You want Week 1 fireworks? How about Saban’s heir apparent walking into Doak Campbell with a rebuilt Bama and zero fear. Florida State’s rolling out Gus Malzahn’s tempo-heavy offense like it’s 2013 again, except this time with Tommy Castellanos and a vengeance complex. The last time these two met in a season opener (2017), Bama broke FSU’s quarterback and swagger in one hit. Now the ‘Noles want blood, headlines, and a playoff statement before Labor Day. This isn’t just a game. It’s a culture war in cleats.

💸 The Spread Option

National Championship Odds You’ll Either Regret or Brag About in December

1. Texas (+500)
Arch Manning and an elite defense have the Horns as betting favorites. No pressure, just the weight of an entire state’s unhinged expectations.

2. Ohio State (+525)
The defending champs return loaded and angry. Also: they don’t rebuild, they reload—with better NIL deals.

3. Georgia (+700)
Kirby’s still got a war machine in Athens. But replacing a steady QB with “we think he’s ready” energy feels like a gamble.

4. Penn State (+700)
Drew Allar’s year to cash in. If the offense actually opens up, Happy Valley might finally get a parade without a weather warning.

5. Oregon (+900)
They’re not “back”—they never left. Lanning’s squad is fast, mean, and underrated. And guess what?

🔥 Our Pick: Oregon Ducks (+900)

This is the value play with real teeth. Dan Lanning has them fresh off a 13-1 campaign, reloaded for a Big Ten title run with Dante Moore stepping into a loaded system.

Schedule? Manageable. Roster? Stacked. Narrative? Underrated but inevitable.
Bet against the Ducks if you want—but they’re not sneaking up on anyone in December. They’re hunting.

💾 What Even Is This Stat?

Purdue: Time of Possession Champions of Losing Big

Purdue averaged just 15.8 points per game on offense while giving up nearly 40 on defense. That’s the kind of split that makes you wonder if they were playing football or politely delaying their own defeat. The Boilermakers leaned on a slow-paced offense that looked like ball control, but in reality just chewed clock en route to punts, turnovers, and the occasional sad field goal. Time of possession? Sure, they probably won a few of those battles, right before getting torched for 70-yard touchdowns two plays later. This stat doesn’t mean you “controlled the game.” It means you stalled while your defense got carved like Thanksgiving turkey.

That’s it for this edition of “why does Purdue still run plays if they don’t believe in scoring?”

Until next time, remember: preseason optimism is undefeated, and so is your kicker in warmups.

— The Convert on Fourth Down Team

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