College Football’s Favorite Soap Opera

Welcome back, coach-speak translators, three-TV living room generals, and fans still explaining why their kicker ‘just had the wind wrong.’

College football isn’t here to make sense. It’s here to ruin your parlays, make you scream at referees you’ve never heard of, and convince you that your backup quarterback is the second coming. This week’s slate has trap games, quarterback auditions, and just enough injury updates to make you question your life choices. Pour one out for logic, it’s not invited.

First time here? SIGN UP
Got a hot take or cold stats? Email us: [email protected]

📰 Two-Minute Drill

Friday Nights Are for High School… and Now the ACC
The ACC has decided to double down on Friday night football, scheduling 12 games under the lights this season. It’s part of a “modern TV strategy,” but mostly just an excuse for your uncle to complain about traditions being ruined while he watches from his recliner anyway.
📎 Read More

SMU vs. Baylor, Back From the Dead
Once a Southwest Conference staple, SMU and Baylor will square off again this weekend for the first time since 2016. It’s a revival of an old Texas feud that most Gen Z fans didn’t even know existed. Retro rivalries: they’re not just for vinyl records anymore.
📎 Read More

Oregon vs. Gundy: The Petty Bowl
Mike Gundy accused Oregon of “buying” its roster with fat checks, and Dan Lanning promptly fired back: “Yeah, and?” College football coaches are now subtweeting each other in pressers, proving once again the sport runs best on pure pettiness.
📎 Read More

DeSean Jackson, Head Coach?
Yes, that DeSean Jackson is now running the show at Delaware State. The ex-NFL star takes his squad to UAlbany this weekend, meaning one of the fastest men in football history now has to master clock management. Pray for the play clock.
📎 Read More

Belichick’s Debut Was a Disaster
Bill Belichick’s first game at UNC went about as well as you’d expect when a 73-year-old tries to reboot a program allergic to winning: TCU rolled 48–14, fans left early, and even Michael Jordan couldn’t save the vibes. College football’s greatest science experiment is officially underway.
📎 Read More

🍿 The Popcorn Games

No. 15 Michigan @ No. 18 Oklahoma
📍 Gaylord Family–Oklahoma Memorial Stadium, Norman, OK
🕒 Saturday, 7:00 PM ET on ABC
It’s the only ranked-vs-ranked clash this week, and it’s a beauty. Michigan trots out freshman phenom Bryce Underwood for his first true road test, while Brent Venables is basically coaching for air conditioning in hell. Last time these teams met was 1975, and it was for a national title. This one isn’t that, but it feels like a playoff elimination game in September.

Iowa @ Iowa State (Cy-Hawk Rivalry)
📍 Jack Trice Stadium, Ames, IA
🕒 Saturday, 3:30 PM ET on FOX
It’s El Assico, baby. The most dependable source of ugly football in America. Iowa still can’t find an offense, and Iowa State will gladly drag them into the mud. Forget playoff talk—this is about bragging rights, memes, and whether Kirk Ferentz can survive another week of “punt on 3rd down” jokes.

Kansas at Missouri (The Border Showdown)
📍 Faurot Field, Columbia, MO
🕒 Saturday, 12:00 PM ET on ESPN
The Border War is back, and the hate is strong. These schools haven’t clashed since 2011, when the Big 12 split tore the rivalry apart. Missouri wants to prove it’s not just an SEC middleweight, while Kansas is chasing relevance with a team that can actually score points. Expect bad blood, loud crowds, and possibly a few brawls in the parking lot.

James Madison @ Louisville
📍 L&N Federal Credit Union Stadium, Louisville, KY
🕒 Saturday, 7:30 PM ET on ESPN2
Don’t sleep on this one. James Madison has been a chaos agent since moving up to the FBS, and now they get a primetime shot at an ACC contender. Louisville’s aiming to prove it belongs in the playoff conversation, but JMU has made a habit of ruining dreams. Upset radar is blinking red.

🎯 Start. Sit. Cut. – Fantasy Player Movement

Start: Justice Haynes, RB, Michigan

Justice Haynes stepped right in and burned New Mexico for 159 yards and three touchdowns on 16 carries—long runs of 56 and 59 yards included. If you're not staring at his stat line in disbelief, you're missing out.

Start: Xavier Williams, RB, Iowa

Redshirt freshman Xavier Williams exploded onto the scene with 122 yards and a touchdown on just 11 carries, averaging over 11 yards per carry. Quiet preseason hype—he’s not quiet anymore.

Sit: Tre Wisner, RB, Texas

Efficient on limited work, but the role is too light right now, 80 rush yards, 5 receiving, 0 TDs in your sheet. Park him until the volume or goal-line work shows up.

Cut: Trent Battle, RB, TCU

Also a ghost in your 2025 sheet. If he’s not seeing the field now, you’re better off chasing upside elsewhere.

🩼 The Walking Boot – Injury Update

Chandler Morris, QB – Virginia
Morris left the opener with a shoulder sprain, but the staff insists he’ll be “full go” for NC State. Translation: you’ll be holding your breath every time he takes a hit.

Jam Miller, RB – Alabama
Miller dislocated his collarbone in camp and missed the Florida State opener. The target is a return for Georgia in late September, but until then, the Tide’s backfield looks awfully thin.

Isaiah Horton, WR – Alabama
As if losing Miller wasn’t enough, Alabama also has Horton listed as questionable with a hip issue. He was supposed to be a breakout piece of the receiving corps, but for now he’s stuck in the “day-to-day” limbo that makes fantasy owners scream.

💥 Dumpster Fire 5 – Pain Rankings (Week 0: Preemptive Edition)

Think of this as a "watch list for implosion"—programs that, before even taking a snap, are already sending up smoke signals. Injuries, distractions, PR flops, you name it. Here's who could be knocking on the gates of Week 1 chaos:

1. North Carolina
   Bill Belichick’s UNC debut was supposed to be fascinating. Instead, it was a 48–14 train wreck against TCU. The Tar Heels didn’t just lose, they looked allergic to football. If this is Year 1, better start pricing out stress balls in Chapel Hill.

2. Alabama
   Second year coach, new QB, same expectations… and then a 31–17 faceplant against Florida State. Add Jam Miller’s injury to the mix and suddenly the Tide look a whole lot less terrifying. For a fanbase that considers 11–1 a disaster, this is already DEFCON 2.

3. Wake Forest
   Beating Kennesaw State should be a cupcake. Winning 10–9 at home is a warning siren. If your offense can’t dent an FCS team, good luck with the ACC slate. Dave Clawson might need to call in an exorcist for the playbook.

4. Boise State
   Remember when the Broncos were everyone’s favorite G5 giant-killer? Yeah, not this year. Sloppy line play and a Week 1 flop have the blue turf looking more like a Slip ’N Slide. This program’s rep is fading faster than those Fiesta Bowl highlights.

5. Northwestern
   Scored three points against Tulane. Three. This was supposed to be a new chapter in the Big Ten, but it felt like a book burning. If the Wildcats can’t even scrape together first downs, Ryan Field is going to get real empty, real fast.

🎲 The Spread Option – Week 2 Picks

Record Last Week: 1–3
Season Total: 1–3 (the sportsbook thanks us for our service)

SMU –2.5 at Baylor
SMU’s playing at double-speed, and Baylor’s defense still looks like it’s buffering on dial-up. The Ponies are running plays faster than Baylor can line up, and if Week 1 is any clue, Bears’ tackling angles are somewhere between “optimistic” and “fictional.” Pick: SMU –2.5

James Madison +14 at Louisville
Louisville smashed EKU, which is kind of like winning a push-up contest against your little brother. JMU, meanwhile, trots out Alonza Barnett, a QB who casually returned from an ACL tear like it was a long weekend. The public loves the Dukes here, and Louisville hasn’t exactly been ATS gold as a heavy favorite. Pick: James Madison +14

Ole Miss –10 at Kentucky
Ole Miss just dropped 63 points like it was a glorified spring game. Kentucky, on the other hand, has an offense that inspires about as much confidence as gas station sushi. The Rebels roll, but this one smells more like a grind-it-out cover than a shootout. Pick: Ole Miss –10

UNC vs Charlotte – Over/Under 49.5 Total Points
Belichick may have that UNC defense looking less like a traffic cone and more like an actual obstacle this week. Both teams will try to flex, but expect coaching adjustments and a slower pace. Think fewer fireworks, more field position chess. Pick: Under 49.5

That’s all for this round of chaos disguised as analysis. We’ll be back next week, unless we get trapped in a four-overtime MAC game or drafted into Belichick’s special teams unit. Until then, embrace the weird and bet like nobody’s watching.

— The Convert on Fourth Down Team

📬 Toss us in your primary inbox.
📩 [email protected]