Hope, Hype, and 125 Decibels of Lies

Welcome back, sickos, spreadsheet warriors, and that one uncle who still thinks Navy should run the triple full-time.

It’s August, which means everyone’s undefeated, everyone’s delusional, and every coach swears their QB room is “the best it’s ever been.” We’ve got coordinators talking in riddles, freshmen bench pressing SUVs, and Bill Belichick somehow coaching in the ACC like it’s no big deal.

This newsletter is for the ones doomscrolling fall camp reports at 2 a.m., the degenerates calculating Big 12 tiebreakers in Excel, and anyone who knows that “he’s put on good weight” means absolutely nothing but sounds incredible.

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📰 Two-Minute Drill

Minnesota’s OL Room Crowns Greg Johnson as Camp Alpha
The Gophers are rebuilding their offensive line with a mix of transfers and guys who look like they just learned how to drive. But Greg Johnson has emerged as the voice of reason. He's leading drills, calling out protections, and—most importantly—not getting pancaked.
📎 Read More

FSU’s First Scrimmage Is… a Work in Progress
OC Gus Malzahn says the offense “showed flashes,” which is coach-speak for “we didn’t light anything on fire.” DJ Uiagalelei looked functional, the defense played fast, and nobody needed medical attention. We’re calling that a win in early August.
📎 Read More

Michigan’s QB Battle Heating Up—But Don’t Read Too Much Into It
Bryce Underwood is the shiny five-star. Mikey Keene is the returning grown-up. The Wolverines insist the job’s still open, but Underwood is already taking first-team reps. If you’re holding Keene stock… maybe sell?
📎 Read More

Texas Tops Preseason Coaches Poll Because Why Not
The hype train is screaming down the tracks. Arch Manning, stacked defense, and Steve Sarkisian’s best poker face yet have Texas sitting at No. 1. Reminder: preseason polls mean exactly nothing. But we’ll pretend they do for the content.
📎 Read More

Penn State Gets Two Votes to Win It All. We’ve Seen This Before.
ESPN talking heads gave PSU some natty love. That’s nice. But let’s not forget James Franklin’s track record against top-five teams is still basically zero. Could this be the year? Maybe. Should you bet your mortgage? No.
📎 Read More

🐂💩 Fourth & Delusional

Texas is No. 1 in the Coaches Poll… Because Hope Springs Eternal

It’s August, so naturally, Texas is back. Again. The preseason Coaches Poll put the Longhorns at No. 1, proving once and for all that optimism is a renewable resource in Austin. Arch Manning hasn’t played a full SEC schedule. Steve Sarkisian has fewer double-digit win seasons than Gus Malzahn. And yet, here we are, handing them the crown before they’ve even played Kansas State on a Thursday night in a cold front.

Look, we get it. The defense is deep. The O-line is actually good. And Manning looks like a star… when the pads aren’t on. But until this team wins a meaningful game in November without a postgame press conference filled with sighs and injury reports, let’s keep the champagne on ice.

Texas might be “back.” But history says they’re probably just… briefly visiting.

⚔️ This One Is Personal

TCU @ North Carolina

Week 1 gives us chaos early: TCU vs. UNC, a matchup of two programs that saw the edge of greatness… and then immediately slipped off it. But here’s the twist: Bill Belichick is coaching North Carolina now. Yes, that Belichick. Hoodie and all. The greatest defensive mind in football history is now drawing up game plans for a team that gave up 40 to Georgia Tech last year.

Why it’s personal:

• TCU wants to prove the 2024 collapse was a fluke. Josh Hoover has the arm but not the wheels. Which means points—or pain.

• UNC has Max Johnson under center and a defense now being managed like it’s 3rd-and-6 in Foxborough circa 2004.

• If you don’t want to see Belichick’s emotionless stare while defending a Big 12 RPO, do you even love college football?

This one’s personal because the loser falls straight into a narrative black hole. And the winner? They get a month of puff pieces and playoff whispers. But let’s be honest. We’re all just here to see Bill Belichick try to outfox Sonny Dykes with three safeties and a depth chart full of psych majors.

💸 Big 12 Championship Odds You’ll Either Regret or Brag About in December

1. Kansas State (+300)
   Avery Johnson is a nightmare to tackle, and Chris Klieman keeps building consistent chaos in Manhattan. They’re physical, efficient, and somehow still always disrespected.

2. Utah (+350)
   Year 1 in the Big 12, and they’re already near the top. Kyle Whittingham’s team plays like they’re offended by your existence. Just ask USC.

3. Arizona (+500)
   Sam Leavitt is electric. The offense is scary. The defense is… also present. If the shootouts break their way, this could be the real spoiler pick.

🔥 Our Pick: TCU Horned Frogs (+1200)

This is your chaos ticket with legit upside. Josh Hoover returns with the arm talent to torch bad secondaries, and the skill group is quietly stacked. The defense? Still allergic to tackling, but hey, that’s what 42–38 wins are for.

TCU’s path includes early statement games (UNC, Houston) and late-season swings (Kansas State, Arizona). If Belichick can’t fix UNC fast, the Frogs might open 4–0.

Schedule? Manageable. Ceiling? Higher than people think.
Narrative? “From collapse to contender” has a nice ring to it.

Bet TCU now. Regret nothing.

🤡 What Even Is This Stat?

Tennessee Hit 125.4 Decibels in Neyland. That’s Jet Engine Loud.

In 2022, Neyland Stadium reached a sound level of 125.4 decibels during a game. For context, that’s louder than a chainsaw, just below a military jet taking off, and probably what it sounds like inside Josh Heupel’s head when the Vols run tempo.

This isn’t a stadium. It’s an OSHA violation with bleachers. How do you even hear a snap count in that? You don’t. You just pray and go on 2.

If you’re a road QB heading to Knoxville this season, bring earplugs. Or noise-canceling headphones. Or a therapist.

That’s it for this edition of “college football: where the depth chart lies and the coach’s quotes lie harder.”

Until next time, stay hydrated, question every OC, and remember:
prevent defense prevents happiness.

— The Convert on Fourth Down Team

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